Chicken
Today I went to lunch with a business partner. I was his guest and accompanied him to a meeting with some other associates. Associates that deal with thousands and thousands of dollars for him and have been good partners with him for years. I didn’t say much and was actually a toned down observer but felt comfortable enough to interject here and there and make a few quips and BS with them. We went to lunch afterwards. Four white guys in Maine going to lunch at some fish place.
During the lunch one of them, out of nowhere, said “I could never vote for that Obama!” I said “Really why?” He replied “Well for the obvious reason.” I said “whats that?” My buddy leaned over without the other guy noticing and silently mouthed the words to me “He doesn’t like him because he’s black.” I was totally taken back and my instinct was to say “You wouldn’t vote for someone because of their skin color?” But I kept silent because my buddy gave me this look like “Don’t start anything. Please. Keep it cool. Let it slide.” Seeing that these were his partners and not associates of mine and I didnt want to hurt my buddies relationship with these guys…I shut up and just said “Hmph.” I felt as though someone had punched me in the stomach. I literally felt like how I did in fourth grade when this kid put me up against the fence and whaled on me and I couldn’t breathe. It got worse.
I changed the subject and mentioned something about having the chili dogs. My buddy said “You better have some rolaids.” To which one of the racist guys said…”Rolaids..Is that what you call a fag on rollerskates.” I literally almost did a movie spit take and said “What!?” Again I composed myself and bit my lip. I held it all inside. Finished lunch. When we went our separate ways and got back into our car and the doors were closed I screamed out “Dude, what the f*ck was that? What is wrong with them.” My buddy agreed and said I was better off not saying anything. We kind of agreed at the time that if someone is stupid enough to not like someone because of the color of their skin…Then they probably will not listen to logic…or my failed attempts at it. There was nothing I could’ve said that changed them. Thats what we said. That was then…This is now.
Its 11 pm and I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because I am a hypocrite. Because I failed today. I let myself down. I let the world down. I let my friends down. I let my audience down. In my show I talk about having the guts to speak your mind. I talk about regretting missed opportunities to do something good for someone or something. Right now I feel low. I feel sick to my stomach. I wish I could go back in time. Not to tell anyone off but to just say…”You know what, You seem like a nice person but what you said offends me and seems mean.” Nothing preachy. But just something to let them know that their thinking and word choice is harmful and destructive. But I didn’t do that. I failed. Is this self deprecation to alleviate guilt…I don’t know. All I know is I want to go to sleep and this is eating away at me. I feel like a worthless piece of dirt. This is confession time. This is me. And its a look into that deep dark truthful mirror. Some look at me and see a friend. Some see an actor. Some see a son or brother. An uncle. A husband. I stare at this screen and these words and I see a coward. I’m a chicken and what good am I?
WHAT GOOD AM I
By Bob Dylan
What good am I if I’m like all the rest,
If I just turned away, when I see how you’re dressed,
If I shut myself off so I can’t hear you cry,
What good am I?
What good am I if I know and don’t do,
If I see and don’t say, if I look right through you,
If I turn a deaf ear to the thunderin’ sky,
What good am I?
What good am I while you softly weep
And I hear in my head what you say in your sleep,
And I freeze in the moment like the rest who don’t try,
What good am I?
What good am I then to others and me
If I’ve had every chance and yet still fail to see
If my hands tied must I not wonder within
Who tied them and why and where must I have been
What good am I if I say foolish things
And I laugh in the face of what sorrow brings
And I just turn my back while you silently die,
What good am I?
E. Zibanitum says:
My dear friend, you did not fail. You were prudent. There is a time and a place…a balance between knowing when to fight and when to retreat. Now, had you had no business relationship and met the flannel shirt, workboot wearing, wife beating hick (ooops, am I stereotyping?) in a dark alley, then you could ‘enlighten’ him. Your conclusion was correct. Trying to ‘enlighten’ him would’ve been a waist of your great talent. In Satanism, and as a Satanist, we laugh not so silently at the stupid, get what we want from them, and then bid them a short life and a miserable end. I witnessed just this week a great re-enforcement of the old adage that what goes around comes around.
No my friend, you did not fail. Bossman did. He is the customer, who has given them Millions (literally) and should have drawed the line and informed tham that if they wanted his continued business, they had better stick their face in their plate and (hopefully) choke on their food. But we know his heart and Love him anyway.
Congratulations on meeting one of the 60 million Americans who woke up on Election Day 2004, looked in a mirror, and said, “I think George W. Bush is the right man to lead this nation”. The results always speak for themselves.
Submitted by a fag Satanist who hates roller skates because they’re so 70’s, but would gladly observe the shirtless man in the rollerblades.
EZ. Ave Satanas!
March 23rd, 2007 at 11:37 am
Joe Bednar says:
I won’t vote for Obama either, EZ, simply because I support tax cuts, limited government (although Bush has been a near-failure on that point), constructionist judges, and a certain seriousness when it comes to foreign policy, and I tend to get those things from Republicans more than Democrats. If Obama came over to these values, I’d vote for him in a second, and probably kiss him on the lips.
But because you’ve made a rather astounding implication that all 60 million Bush voters are racist gay-baiters, I’d like to make an off-topic generalization of my own. It comes in the form of a question, a question that fascinates me. It is this:
Of the following two options — wildly exaggerated for a purpose, mind you — which would you prefer? It doesn’t matter if you consider one impossible and therefore irrelevant; I’m asking what you, deep in your heart, would honestly prefer: (1) Iraq begins to show signs of improving over the next few months, and by early 2008, insurgents are on the run, the Iraq government is clearly in control of the situation, and our troops have begun leaving en masse, clearly victorious. Within a few years, the influence of democracy spreads throughout the mideast, violence is down, America has gained respect in the world through its actions in the mideast, and — this is important — George Bush rides off with a strong and visionary legacy, and helps deliver Republicans back into power. Meanwhile, America enters a decade of peace and economic prosperity. (2) Iraq crumbles further into chaos. Casualties mount, and eventually our troops leave the region in civil war, the effects of which are felt long-term as the middle east becomes more violent and terrorists become more emboldened to strike at American interests, including on American soil. America’s reputation is in shambles overseas, and our economy is suffering. But Democrats sweep into power in the White House, strengthen their hold on Congress, and leave Bush to the history books, which portray him for the ages as a failure and disgrace.
I think the actual outcome will be somewhere in between, but what I have observed is a Democratic leadership and grassroots so blinded by their hatred of the president that MANY of them would, if they were forced to answer honestly, choose B over A in a second — even if A would be better for America and the world — simply because A would justify Bush, an outcome that would be completely intolerable. I firmly believe this in my heart to be true, and it saddens me.
Maybe we need to get beyond the Bush years for a little perspective; even his staunchest defenders would admit he’s becoming irrelevant now. And no one is saying the war has gone well. But until I see something something a little more grown-up from Democrats than pandering to the current mood among the electorate (in this case war-weariness), I’m going to reject anyone from their current culture, including Obama. Because, believe it or not, for most of us who vote Republican, it’s not about skin color, unless of course you’re some random loudmouth asshole from Maine who, frankly, deserves a sound beating or three.
And you, John, are the least chicken person I know, so get over it. You used an appropriate measure of tact, and I haven’t lost any of my respect for your character, even if we disagree on much. Carry on and lose the guilt. Karma will take care of the prick. We know your heart.
By the way, I hope all is well with K and the future Zimmy Kerouac Morello.
March 23rd, 2007 at 7:21 pm
John says:
everybody just wants attention. that goes for “flannel shirt/ boot hicks” (like myself) and satanists. it also goes for insecure old dudes desperately trying to make the comedian laugh.
March 23rd, 2007 at 11:30 pm
Matt says:
Never thought I would agree with Bednar especially after that Velveeta incident, but you were not chicken. The rest of what he says is bullshit, but as I had warned him that cheese had to settle somewhere and it seeks out brain matter. Poor boy.
If you had said something you would only be mad at yourself for getting your buddy in trouble with his associates and making it awkward for him. You see either way you would blame yourself. I however blame you for eating the chili-dog, dammit man you were in Maine, you have to eat lobster rolls in Maine. Serves you right, you’re not chicken or a rascist just a culinary-fool!
March 26th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
Joe Bednar says:
Which Velveeta incident? There have been so many. All that crap’s bad for your heart, of course, but as a heartless conservative, the health risks are sort of irrelevant for me. Anyway, be well, Jablow.
March 27th, 2007 at 1:47 am
Matt says:
I never thought heartless, just brainless. I always wondered if you were mad with the American Pie movies for stealing your life story and replacing the cheese with pie? Of course American Cheese may not have sold well at the box office, but we’ll never know will we?
And that’s the Velveeta incident I’m talking about.
As for being well it depends on the day.
March 27th, 2007 at 2:46 am