August 30th, 2007
When he awoke the clock stopped tick tick tocking
It was time to do what needed be done
The awards on the shelf were shimmy shine shining
Lets hope this deed is accidentally fun
The razor blade shave was a little different this morning
the bulb in the bath dimming like the sun
The cold wet tile and his body drip drop dripping
As all the past moments rolled into one
At dinner last night was one sober thought.
One goal today.
One try.
No one would believe he had this in him
None could see this shining moment
No one was round to slap his back
Not one phone call
Just yellow light
Just blue tile
Just a reflection
Just silence at last
No regrets. Just nothing.
Which is better than just something.
Right?
August 16th, 2007
the rupert river shoreline in waskaganish first nation, quebec
“Fifty thousand horses
Ten thousand sheep
I’d trade ‘em all
For just a second of sleep
The kind with dreams though
You gotta have dreams
I’ve heard about what happens
At the other extreme
Yeah without them dreams
You go insane
It’s like having mayonnaise
Shot into your brain”
-”Past Belief” by Dan Bern
Its Thursday morning and I slept in till 9:00 AM which is LATE for me.
I threw on last nights clothes and shuffled a block down the street to Dunkin Donuts.
I walked past a lady that was walking two steps and then clapping.
I think it was a guy in drag actually. She would walk. Stop.
Turn around. Yell something. Clap. Continue.
I went into the dunkin donuts and saw a man muttering to himself.
I walked out with my coffee and then sat on my stoop
and watched the carnival of souls parade by me like canterbury tales.
Old lady with a cane talking perfectly clear to her imaginary friend.
Contractor with tool belt on cell phone deflecting the early morning light with his free hand.
Two guys in workout suits chatting about America.
Girl with neon green bike and golden retriever.
And me on my stoop.
I didnt have the strength to join them ’cause there was a parade
of even more bizarre and confusing thoughts slamming against
the narrow and eroding shore of my consciousness and sanity.
Seems I couldn’t get my dreams out of my head. I had nightmares all night.
I never remember my dreams and they are never vivid.
But I had dreams of my dad last night.
I had dreams of the final three weeks of his life.
I remembered his thin frame and his vanishing spirit.
I watched him slip away you know..?
and change before my eyes. I watched him go
from fully aware to totally tuned out. I watched him go
from someone who loved life to someone who could not wait
to check out of this place because of his physical and mental suffering..and the cancer.
And my dreams were ugly. Every detail was amplified. Every line on his face
was exaggerated and every scream of pain
was louder than the whistle on a charging train chuggin at me on the tracks.
And I stood there in my dreams and watched it all.
The gore. the blood. the death. And it was awful. And I didnt wake up!
And my mind just vomited this stuff out all night and I finally awoke at 4 AM
and never made it back to sleep.
The first two hours I just sat on my bed and tried to think better thoughts
but the visions just kept marching in front of me.
In procession.
And whether its me drinkin coffee planted on my stoop
or whether I’m writhing while tethered to the railroad tracks of my dreams.
I must stand and watch and let it roll over me.
I must view my world in front of my eyes and I must confront the world inside.
And these dreams will linger. And right now it feels crazy.
And if I allow myself I will slip into self pity and go to my safe dark place
and tune this all out. But f*ck it. I’m going back outside.
and tonite I’m going back to sleep.
I will stand on the rocky shore in between
the sands of the present moment and the watery deep of infinite subconscious.
I will jump in and swim and jump out and sun my naked frame in the sun which heals.
I will use neither the rocks or the water to escape or avoid the other
but I will embrace them both.
But oh those dreams and crazy people.
-John
08.16.07
August 13th, 2007
I just scanned my entire music collection in itunes.
I have 118 Gigs of music on my hard drive.
967 different artists and 1821 different albums.
And not one song by JOURNEY.
Thank you.
August 8th, 2007
“My deeds are my closest companions. I am the beneficiary of my deeds. My deeds are the ground on which I stand.”
-Buddhist Scripture
This is a powerful meditation and the fifth of the five remembrances. To be aware of the influence of our deeds. Many of us go through life thinking that things “happen” to us. That things “happen” to our friends and family. We may feel cheated or in some ways that life is acting upon us. We may also feel a sense of disconnect from our own future. We are deceived into believing that people, forces and ideologies bigger than us have the control over our very lives. In my daily life and when I do my show and talk with people I often think about this idea in relation to drug use. Think about drug use. One may think about using and experimenting and the fuzzy line that exists between using….and being used. Many people can view an addict and say “Oh well, they made a choice.” True. But some choices can actually box us in and cause us to lose control of our own desires and thoughts. And that is a sad day. True we maintain control over our actions but sometimes that fuzzy line is crossed and we actually can relinquish control to someone or something else. And that is a sad sad muthaluvin day. The only thing that any of us truly and eternally own are our actions. again. THE ONLY THING THAT ANY OF US TRULY AND ETERNALLY OWN ARE OUR ACTIONS. We speculate about god and the afterlife. We may feel overpowered by our present. But our most precious possession is our own control and our action. The ability to think and act and respond and create and love and imagine and dream and to BE. And when we give that control to another substance or person or politician or preacher…We are in many ways no longer human. So I quote the great Michael Franti by encouraging all of us to Stay Human. Take time to choose…to act…to love. I was just thinking about these things today. I hope this makes sense.
love john
BTW
I added a new page for Dennis Kucinich 2008 over to the right hand side under “pages.”
I unabashedly and unequivocally and heterosexually love this man.
Check out the video. Discuss?
August 4th, 2007
I don’t believe in heaven
except for dogs
I don’t believe in god
except on an airplane at takeoff
I don’t believe in angels or saints
except when I read allen ginsberg
I don’t believe in most things
And these days I feel stone cold inside
But there is one angel, one god, and one soul who always cuts right through all my crap
and reduces me to almost tears.
I say almost because I don’t cry much lately
cause when I do never stop
So i change the station or leave the room
or suck it up and put on my sunglasses
But there is one who kills me without fail.
The voice of sinead o’connor
The song below is one of those songs.
Its called “Something Beautiful”
Listen at your own risk
i love you all.
even those who hate me.cuz someday, maybe, you’ll come around and see I’m not so bad.
And if you don’t….Boy are you missing out 
-yours to do with as you like
john
“Something Beautiful
by Sinead O’Connor
I wanna make
Something beautiful
For you and from you
To show you
To show you
I adore you
Oh you
And your journey
Toward me
Which I see
And I see
All you push through
Mad for you
And because of you
I couldn’t thank you in ten thousand years
If I cried ten thousand rivers of tears
Ah but you know the soul
And you know what makes it gold
You who give life through blood
Blood, blood, blood…
Oh I wanna make something
So lovely for you
‘Cause I promised that’s what I’d do for you
With the bible I stole
I know you forgave my soul
Because such was my need
On a chronic christmas eve
And I think we’re agreed that it
Should have been free
And you sang to me…”
- sinead o’connor
Something Beautiful [5:15m]:
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