March 25th, 2008
reminded me that a lyric by Paul Simon I put up on my myspace profile was incredible. Obviously I agreed…since I put it up in the first place. But there was something about hearing it from her. She has great taste in music and culture….And it just hit me again. Now I feel like Craig Ferguson screeching “Iieeee KNOOOOOW” So here it is again. Its from his biggest selling album and his biggest selling song. Its part of our musical wallpaper in contemporary America…but do not take these words lightly. They are real and true and for you.
And I see losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow
-graceland, paul simon
March 20th, 2008
I just heard an amazing thing thru an email from a trusted media source that definitely loves america.
This is so gross. And it disturbs me because I am a father. Apparently, Barack Obama has a shelf in his cellar that is full of white baby heads in jars! And its been said that he plans to gather up even more… by sending out squads of black power soldiers. Sources close to his campaign have leaked that on the day he finally tricks America into voting for him, he and all the black people are going to rise up and kill all the white men, marry their women, and enslave their children. He will then call his friend Osama Bin Laden and then have a three way conference call with Louis Farrakhan to plan out their strategy of Al Queda and muslim domination of the world. He will summon all muslims and communists with a secret ebonic whistle. Kind of like how Aquaman could call the dolphins. The thing is though he is trying to keep everything a secret. But as we have seen recently his people are slipping up and leaking their true intentions. He is deliberately lying in all of his speeches and when the inauguration day comes he will unveil himself. Do a big line of coke. And then begin to steer this country right down the toilet to make up for all the years of slavery. So be real careful. If you love america make sure you do NOT vote for Obama.
P.S. He also might raise taxes to help lazy welfare people who don’t speak english. Once empowered these sly poor folks will rise up and take your scholarship…And they will also take all the good parking spots with a new welfare plate being issued by the department of motor vehicles.
Obama must be Stopped!
March 20th, 2008
This is an excerpt from the upcoming posthumous Kurt Vonnegut collection:
“And how should we behave during the Apocalypse? We should be unusually kind to one another, certainly. But we should also stop being so serious. Jokes help a lot. And get a dog, if you don’t already have one.’ So it goes.”
March 19th, 2008
These are pretty much verbatim transcriptions of the daily crap that I deal with.
Me: Hi, I left my transponder in my car which is in the repair shop. I do have an extra one though which was deactivated sometime ago.
I am going on a trip to New York and New Jersey tonight and I would like to activate my old one so I can use it tonight in my rental car.
Customer Service Genius at EZ-Pass: Sure, No Problem. I can definitely take care of that. First I need your account number. Ok now I need you to verify your address. Verify your phone number. OK verify your billing information. Excellent, now what is your four digit PIN that you selected. OK Now I need the number on your transponder. (10 minutes passes) OK you are all set. You are good to go. Just don’t use it for three days.
Me: Well as I mentioned I’m leaving tonite.
CSR Genius: Oh…Thats right. Well can you use your other one?
Me: As I mentioned its in my car.
CSR: Can you not get it?
Me: No its in a repair shop…Thats why I called you.
CSR: Right. Well you should be all set. Just don’t use it for three days.
Me: (Loading my revolver) Ok. Thanks.
So then I get to my hotel after hitting every toll booth. Of course my travels take me down the Garden State Parkway…Which is of course .70 every 70 feet (A comedian named Paul Murphy’s line BTW:-)
Anyway I check into my hotel and I am excited to take advantage of the “free wireless internet.”
I go to log on. I need a password. No biggie. Every hotel has a password. I call down to the front desk.
Me: Excuse me miss. I need the password for the wireless internet.
Hotel gal: You don’t need a password.
Me: thats funny because the network is locked and its asking for a password.
Hotel gal: Well thats strange because no one has ever had to enter a password. I can give you national tech support.
Me: Uhm I don’t wanna get into all that. I just figured since the sign said “free wireless internet” that you guys would provide the password.
Hotel gal: Sir there is no password. Do you have it plugged in?
Me: What the power to my computer…What does that matter?
Hotel gal: No the internet cable.
Me: Well I saw a cable there…But I thought you had “Wireless.”
Hotel gal: We do sir. But you got to have that cable plugged in.
Me: Well thats not really wireless is it….
Hotel gal: (Silence)
Me: (Waiting in silence with my ear to the door. Listening for the sound of her brain exploding) I’ll use the wire. Thanks. Gnight.
March 10th, 2008
Check out this column by Andrew Sullivan.
I always like reading this guy and seeing him on TV. I could not agree more with every word.
March 8th, 2008
some of you know him as mykee,
some of you know him as that assembly guy.
some of you know him as a poet.
some of you know him as an actor.
some of you know him as Dr. Michael.
But all day long I was plannin on writing something nice to mike.
I never got around to it though.
So now its 2:30 AM
And I want the world to know.
That
life without my friend mike would not be that great.
life without mike would not be that deep.
life without mike would have a lot less laughs
life without mike would be a an empty grey paper crumpled up and
lying in the corner of an abandoned building.
life without mike would be a total drag.
life without mike wouldnt be much fun.
but this aint about that ’cause
I DO have life with mike.
And that makes my life good.
everyday is your birthday in my life.
-john
March 8th, 2008
Mon Oncle Leandre in Quebec sent me this joke.
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, “I
must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”
“Thank God,” said an elderly nun at the back. “I’m so tired of chardonnay.”
March 6th, 2008
What can I give back for the life that I have been given?
Yesterday I took a nap and when I woke up I felt not only refreshed but reborn.
I don’t know what happened in my sleep or what I ate.
All I know I was listening to an album called “The meaning of 8″ by Cloud Cult and drifted off.
I had been feeling very down and lonely lately.
Very dark. Very Waaah Pity Party Pour Me.
I am fully aware at this moment how lucky I am.
I have this job where I go to schools and make kids laugh and think and we connect.
I get to get up on a stage and tell my thoughts all over the country and most of the time the audience connects with it.
I get to travel to farmlands of michigan and suburbs of new jersey to downtown chicago to california deserts and meet people.
And I get paid to do this.
I have a Mom who I love to death.
I have a sister that is my rock…even though she would never think so.
I have nieces and nephews who inspire me.
I have a dog that is practically frickin human and is my best friend.
And I have a daughter that smiles wide and giggles when she hears my voice and I look forward to every moment with her.
yeah I got some tough stuff behind me and some hard things to go through.
But I know that life is…All I got. And that is enough.
