Sometimes it all hits me at once. Everything. The people I’ve known. The path. Love. Beauty. Sadness. Joy. Loss. Hope. Despair. Pride. Anxiety. Contentment. Utter distress. No rescue. No pill’s gonna do it. No shrink. No midnight phone call marathon with a friend. Nope. I know this moment. I’ve had it before. It just fills me up and it ain’t going nowhere for a while. And I can run to my demons and let them win one more night or I can turn the car around and maybe even drive around the rotary four or five times contemplating what I’m going to do. Or I can do nothing but go on and go home..And go on. And just sit with it. And face it. And wait. And then a song comes and when I’m not looking takes all the feelings and puts them in it’s boxing glove like a brick and punches me in the solar plexus and the wind is knocked out and I can’t breathe and even worse I can’t cry and even if I did it would never begin to empty out everything I feel. And I might not stop. But it’s a start. And sometimes the beginning is being thankful that maybe you can still recognize a beginning. Or believe that one might exist.
So I’m just thankful that there is still a song that reaches me. Thankful that I’m not yet so far gone that I can see the light sliver it’s way through the window shade at 5 PM. Or 5 AM.

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I know a sickness ancient and cross
No crucifix could ever fix enough
But in the basement of a church, these people they talk
There is a line that must be walked

If you want to make it stop
Then stop

I know a place where the future is denied
I know a hand that twitches inside
For some of us the glass is filled with lights
But if the honey makes you sick, honey there is the line
That must be walked

If you want to make it stop
Then stop
Stop

Slow down
You dont have to talk
Lie down
Breathe
Stop
Slow down
Its not your fault
Look around
Theres so many of us
Theres so many of us
You are not alone
Ever
Ever
Ever
Stop

Call in the backup and the backup comes
But nobody can help you if you wont
Inside your chest your heart is just hurt
Behind your eyes a need replaced a want

I know a sickness so ancient and cross
No crucifix can ever fix enough
I know a past where the future is lost
I know a line that must be walked
There is a darkness and there is a light
And there is a choice
For a balance to be made every night
A weakness must be found

If you want it to stop
Stop
Stop

Song: Stop
Artist: Ryan Adams
Album: Cardinology

pic:
kid and me. 10.08.10

Ya know the phrase twice on Sunday right..? Well since its sunday I gotta share another video wih you. My friend mykee was over today and gave me this CD of a group called Blue October. They have a song that he said I NEEDED to hear. Usually we know eachother pretty good and can tell…whether its a movie, book, CD….Anyway the dude was right on the money. I havent heard the whole CD yet but the single from it is called “Hate Me”. It brought up a lot of feelings in me. It reminded me of my brother. It gave me memories of him getting out of rehab and saying “I don’t blame you or anyone if they hate me.” But you see when youre an addict you can’t focus on that kinda stuff. Thats why they have steps of recovery and “Making Amends” is not until like Step Nine. And its true in all our lives, When we act out or screw up and hurt others and hurt ourselves…we are not ready to really apologize or begin to reconstruct a relationship until we get ourselves straight first. Well this song is called “hate me” and it gave me the chills. It goes out to all who love someone who is hurting themselves with drugs. It goes out to all who are currently hurting themselves with drugs. We have been through somethings which we dare not speak…But we can scatch the surface with songs like this.

UPDATE THIS VIDEO NO LONGER EXISTS AT YOU TUBE. TO SEE IT GO HERE

I remember listening to this in 1984 and its message means more today than ever. Lyrics & Video Below.

License To Kill

Bob Dylan

Man thinks ’cause he rules the earth he can do with it as he please
And if things don’t change soon, he will.
Oh, man has invented his doom,
First step was touching the moon.

Now, there’s a woman on my block,
She just sit there as the night grows still.
She say who gonna take away his license to kill?

Now, they take him and they teach him and they groom him for life
And they set him on a path where he’s bound to get ill,
Then they bury him with stars,
Sell his body like they do used cars.

Now, there’s a woman on my block,
She just sit there facin’ the hill.
She say who gonna take away his license to kill?

Now, he’s hell-bent for destruction, he’s afraid and confused,
And his brain has been mismanaged with great skill.
All he believes are his eyes
And his eyes, they just tell him lies.

But there’s a woman on my block,
Sitting there in a cold chill.
She say who gonna take away his license to kill?

Ya may be a noisemaker, spirit maker,
Heartbreaker, backbreaker,
Leave no stone unturned.
May be an actor in a plot,
That might be all that you got
‘Til your error you clearly learn.

Now he worships at an altar of a stagnant pool
And when he sees his reflection, he’s fulfilled.
Oh, man is opposed to fair play,
He wants it all and he wants it his way.

Old video. Kind of funny. Sly & Robbies studio in Jamaica.