Want to visit my brain for a while? OK. Here goes.
The other day I was doing a show in a gym. I hated it. The people were nice and the kids were well behaved. But I personally hated it. There is no connection with an audience when I do a show with kids seated on both sides of a gym, the lights on, and the acoustics are bouncing all over the place. So I will admit that during the show I was anything but “in the moment.” My mind wanders. I think of stuff. Music, jokes, angelina jolie, bills, ya know…stuff. So in the middle of my show some kid gets up and is walking along the back wall of the gym. And I hear every footstep as she walks under the hoop, along the padded wall, and toward the door. I feel all attention go to her. My attention goes to her. And all I could think of is “I hope she doesn’t fall or trip ’cause I will definitely laugh out loud and so will the kids.” She makes it. Whew! But then the rest of the show that incident reminded me of an old youtube video clip that I saw a a while back. It was all I could think of. The one with this kid running across the gym floor and gettin nailed by a basketball. The video below was played in a loop every time I looked across the gym floor. enjoy. By the way if you find it hard to laugh at this video…just tell yourself the following “its ok to laugh at this video because…uhm… the kid was fine and he uhmm later went on to live a successful life, married a nice person, and uh…and is currently involved in trying to find a cure for cancer.
“Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick. ~P.J. O’Rourke”
Since its masters weekend here are some golf pictures and a memory of my dad hitting the last shot he ever hit.
Summer of 2002. My brother and I are going golfing and decide to bring dad along.
He was sick and my brother and I took him out with us thinking the fresh air would do him good.
He had little strength at this point from a heart condition.
He said he wanted to hit a few shots and I was hesitant and very protective and said “Are you sure…maybe you should just hang in the cart and take it easy.”
My brother said “Bullshit, he should hit a couple.”
My dad said “I don’t know if I could swing that driver. I’ll just relax. You two go ahead.”
So my brother and I hit our drives and then went to hit our approach shots. We were probably about 150 yards from the green.
After we hit our shots, my dad, sitting in the cart, had this look in his eye and then with no hesitation
my 78 year old dad got out of the cart and grabbed the old 5 iron from my bag.
He said give me a ball. I tossed him one from pocket and he let it drop in front of him.
He stood back from the ball, sized up the shot, took two practice swings and then hit.
A perfect lofting shot that bounced on the green and stopped about 17 feet from the hole.
“Not bad for an old man.” He said.
My brother and I were cracking up. Holy shit. This guy hasn’t golfed in 5 years because of his health and he has not missed a step.
So we get up to the green. My brother and I hit our putts. I three putted. My brother two. My Dad has his 17 footer.
My brother says grab the camera. I then took the pictures you see below.
Dad walks up. Sizes it up.
Putts. A slow roller that breaks from right to left ….and then in.
Just like that.
Dad smiles big and says. “Thats it. I’m done.”
What a day. What a memory.
The other day, after my show during a Q & A I had an audience member ask me. “What is your motto or creed that you live by.”
I was a little taken back and stuttered a little because I find it hard to sum up all my beliefs in a phrase or quote.
I’m sure some expected a quote by Dylan, or George Harrison, or MLK, or John Keats. I then paused and said I got it.
“Play the ball as it lies.”
They looked puzzled and I said “thats what my dad used to say all the damn time.”
Ya know. Whatever life throws at you.
No matter where you end up.
No matter the predicament.
The right thing to do and the only thing we can do is accept our circumstances and just try to make something good out of it.
Dems da rules.
“Play the ball as it lies.”
when i was younger and in school i used to love reading cartoon books and comics. i especially loved MAD magazine and the “far side.” to this day so many of those jokes and images are embedded in my mind and they come popping up all the time in daily life. i never say anything to people around me because…well they would lock me up if they knew how screwed up i am. and its hard to describe a picture joke too. its funny to think of all the stuff we hold in to hide ourselves from the all powerful and intimidating “THEM.” The other day on the plane I was reading mad magazine and laughing out loud until i embarrassed myself. i decided to read a serious magazine instead. i read my national geographic issue about animal intelligence and I was again laughing as I read about these chimps that fashion crude tools to dig bugs out of trees. suddenly I had this image of an old cartoon and i was cracking up again. I gained composure and then the same image hit me today. i was laughing in my car today as i was noticing the roadkill and the birds picking at it. don’t get me wrong, i’m an animal lover and all that but again those “far side” images from cartoonist gary larson are embedded deep. somewhere between all the dylan lyrics, freshman biology, and sega cheat codes there is a comic for every occasion. below is what came out of left field, probably from about 10 years ago, and made me crack up on the plane and then again today.
I am dirt and inside me
is a root of a tree
connected to the tree of knowledge running down to hell
itself
Inside my heart is a ticking time bomb
Inside my pocket is a note from my mom
Telling me I am loved
I am loved but I do not know it and I do not feel it,
I am made of the same dirt as you
I am dirt and you can’t dig me
So I am on the outside looking in
I am alone stuck in your skin.
I am a problem… I’m a maze of dead ends
I’m called selfish by my family and friends
I am called selfish because I want to feel good
Deep in my soul I just want to be good
I want for one moment just to be good
What do you do when you want to feel good?
You go to your friends
you go outside
You make love
you go for a ride
You take Prozac
you eat a big mac
Your kites flying high
mines held back
Because I am tethered to the root of the tree of knowledge
People like me have no voice
With the cards I been dealt I have no choice
All bets are off
all my moves have been made.
I took a hit from the dealer
when I should have stayed.
And the dealer has won
my parents told me I would fall
I saw it coming and still bet it all.
Now I don’t have a dime…and..I can’t keep
this rhyme
I am dirt and So I bury myself the only way I know how.
I love my family but they don’t know me
‘cause they can’t see inside me
Is a root of a tree of knowledge running down to hell itself.
Medicine can’t help me ‘cause my disease is addiction.
I bet I’d get help if cancer were my affliction.
But I am an addict so I get a ten day detox.
Trapped in my self with no keys for these locks.
If I was a rock star I bet I’d have health care.
Driving in LA with a bumper sticker that said DARE.
But I am dirt I am nothing so you just stare.
Here I am.
And I will stay this way because
to you I am useless,
so I have no job
so I have no money
so I am not a consumer
so I am not a citizen.
So I am not American
so I am alone in this nation invisible to all…
I have no gifts to give except. …All my shit in this bag… And when you aint got nothing
you got nothing to lose (bob dylan said that)
I’m just an obstacle in your way (I said that)
My curse has no power to ruin your good day.
I am the final digit in Pi
and that is why
You can’t look me in the eye
‘Cause you cannot throw money at me and make me go away.
Like throwin presents at your kiddies on Christmas day.
So good fuckin luck tryin to change ME!
Like you change the channel on your plasma TV
Like you change the oil in your SUV
Dude. I’m Like your girlfriends mind you can’t change me!
You want to give me a present?
you want to help me?
Give me an axe to cut down this tree!
….of knowledge
connected and safe
in the dirt
I am a drug addict
I am nothing
I am dirt…just like you
reminded me that a lyric by Paul Simon I put up on my myspace profile was incredible. Obviously I agreed…since I put it up in the first place. But there was something about hearing it from her. She has great taste in music and culture….And it just hit me again. Now I feel like Craig Ferguson screeching “Iieeee KNOOOOOW” So here it is again. Its from his biggest selling album and his biggest selling song. Its part of our musical wallpaper in contemporary America…but do not take these words lightly. They are real and true and for you.
And I see losing love Is like a window in your heart Everybody sees you’re blown apart Everybody sees the wind blow
I just heard an amazing thing thru an email from a trusted media source that definitely loves america.
This is so gross. And it disturbs me because I am a father. Apparently, Barack Obama has a shelf in his cellar that is full of white baby heads in jars! And its been said that he plans to gather up even more… by sending out squads of black power soldiers. Sources close to his campaign have leaked that on the day he finally tricks America into voting for him, he and all the black people are going to rise up and kill all the white men, marry their women, and enslave their children. He will then call his friend Osama Bin Laden and then have a three way conference call with Louis Farrakhan to plan out their strategy of Al Queda and muslim domination of the world. He will summon all muslims and communists with a secret ebonic whistle. Kind of like how Aquaman could call the dolphins. The thing is though he is trying to keep everything a secret. But as we have seen recently his people are slipping up and leaking their true intentions. He is deliberately lying in all of his speeches and when the inauguration day comes he will unveil himself. Do a big line of coke. And then begin to steer this country right down the toilet to make up for all the years of slavery. So be real careful. If you love america make sure you do NOT vote for Obama.
P.S. He also might raise taxes to help lazy welfare people who don’t speak english. Once empowered these sly poor folks will rise up and take your scholarship…And they will also take all the good parking spots with a new welfare plate being issued by the department of motor vehicles.
This is an excerpt from the upcoming posthumous Kurt Vonnegut collection:
“And how should we behave during the Apocalypse? We should be unusually kind to one another, certainly. But we should also stop being so serious. Jokes help a lot. And get a dog, if you don’t already have one.’ So it goes.”
These are pretty much verbatim transcriptions of the daily crap that I deal with.
Episode 1 EZ-Pass (Fastlane) in Massachusetts:
Me: Hi, I left my transponder in my car which is in the repair shop. I do have an extra one though which was deactivated sometime ago.
I am going on a trip to New York and New Jersey tonight and I would like to activate my old one so I can use it tonight in my rental car.
Customer Service Genius at EZ-Pass: Sure, No Problem. I can definitely take care of that. First I need your account number. Ok now I need you to verify your address. Verify your phone number. OK verify your billing information. Excellent, now what is your four digit PIN that you selected. OK Now I need the number on your transponder. (10 minutes passes) OK you are all set. You are good to go. Just don’t use it for three days.
Me: Well as I mentioned I’m leaving tonite.
CSR Genius: Oh…Thats right. Well can you use your other one?
Me: As I mentioned its in my car.
CSR: Can you not get it?
Me: No its in a repair shop…Thats why I called you.
CSR: Right. Well you should be all set. Just don’t use it for three days.
Me: (Loading my revolver) Ok. Thanks.
So then I get to my hotel after hitting every toll booth. Of course my travels take me down the Garden State Parkway…Which is of course .70 every 70 feet (A comedian named Paul Murphy’s line BTW:-)
Anyway I check into my hotel and I am excited to take advantage of the “free wireless internet.”
I go to log on. I need a password. No biggie. Every hotel has a password. I call down to the front desk.
Episode 2: Hotel Internet Gal
Me: Excuse me miss. I need the password for the wireless internet.
Hotel gal: You don’t need a password.
Me: thats funny because the network is locked and its asking for a password.
Hotel gal: Well thats strange because no one has ever had to enter a password. I can give you national tech support.
Me: Uhm I don’t wanna get into all that. I just figured since the sign said “free wireless internet” that you guys would provide the password.
Hotel gal: Sir there is no password. Do you have it plugged in?
Me: What the power to my computer…What does that matter?
Hotel gal: No the internet cable.
Me: Well I saw a cable there…But I thought you had “Wireless.”
Hotel gal: We do sir. But you got to have that cable plugged in.
Me: Well thats not really wireless is it….
Hotel gal: (Silence)
Me: (Waiting in silence with my ear to the door. Listening for the sound of her brain exploding) I’ll use the wire. Thanks. Gnight.
